Tails up, TrailDawgs!!! Despite a near death experience*,
8AM Sunday, September 11, 2016 Newark, DE
Last year, Stumpy firmly announced, “I’m tired. No more. Find another idiot to RD a trail marathon in Delaware!”
Amid cries of, “Say it ain’t so!” and “There will never be another idiot like Stumpy!” several Dawgs disproved that conventional wisdom and stepped up to fill the void in running lunacy. Tacy, Tim, Abby and Pete will substitute their combined intellectual capital for that of Stumpy (but fall short) in a daring attempt to keep Stumpy’s Marathon going for another decade.
A year has passed since the Stumpy’s 2015 sorry display of athletic mediocrity and your new RD’s are quickly destroying everything good about the “Trail Marathon” concept. That is, you should expect pretty much the same race as the first 14 years.
So yet again:
The "course" (that’s what we call it) is an “easy” (we call it that, too), overland ramble that is guaranteed to be a minimum of 26.2 miles, and seldom exceeds 28 miles. Pete has vowed to design a completely new experience for your enjoyment, and has been seen cackling gleefully over the geological maps of our 3 parks, 2 states, numerous gently undulating hills, creek crossings, educational historic markers, single-track trails, dirt/gravel roads, and abandoned U. S. Army artillery ranges. For those who like to run pavement, tough noogies, there won’t be much.
The course director has promised to keep our minor inconveniences such as hungry horse flies; aggressive, rabid beavers; and thirsty ticks looking for your delicate parts. Experienced participants recommend visualizing unicorns, fields of candy canes, and frollicking bunnies to mask the truth of the ordeal.
Race amenities include: a scenic racecourse with numerous directional markings that seemed logically consistent when we laid them, a place to start, and a clearly defined finish where you can record your finish time, if you know it. Many finishers will receive a handshake from Stumpy himself. Slower runners may receive a hug or a grope. All participants who complete the event, or claim to have finished it, will receive an authentic and much sought after TrailDawgs Finisher’s Rock (accept no substitutes). Numerous water stations have been designated, and we hope to actually have water at some of them. However, you should carry at least 20+ oz. of your preferred beverage in a refillable container, since the maximum distance between water stations may range anywhere from 5 to 26.2 miles. No race amenities are guaranteed, but you will get more than you paid for. There will be no
Our motto is, “It’s not a trail race if nobody gets lost.” You enter this race at your own risk, and are solely responsible for your own welfare and safety at ALL times. Don’t blame any race volunteer or organizer if you wander off trail, can’t find a porta-potty in time, run into trees, trip over rocks or roots, fall down, get bitten by God knows what, get run over crossing a road, drown in the creek, or otherwise injure your body or self esteem. The race course may include: dirt, bugs, water, dirty bugs, dirty water, mud, rocks, roots, fallen trees, muddy squirrels, dirty snakes, the toothless guys from Deliverance suggesting you make a noise like a piggie, and other low-down nasty stuff. Think of it this way: If even one runner completes the course without injury, then you could have done it too. If anything goes wrong, IT IS YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT. The act of starting this race, implies your complete agreement with the foregoing statement.
Last year’s race was, once again, a huge disappointment for the organizers, because the weather was okay, runners could actually see most of the trail marks if they looked closely, aid stations had actual people handing out stuff, the rangers weren’t needed to “put down” any injured runners, and all runners who came with somebody went home with somebody. But this year we are hoping for overnight rain to wash away trail marks, followed by humid, 100+ temps; way more ticks, poison ivy and other fun stuff; aid station volunteers who'll get bored ridiculing exhausted runners and quit early; armed and hostile property-owners who will be ready for us this year; and various other screw-ups to make this year’s event way funner than last year's.
This is an organized “fun run” with our friends--no fee, no prizes, no wimps, no whining.
This is an authentic, deep-fried, certified and sanctified Trail Dawgs event (accept no substitutes!)... basically what we do every weekend with our Dawg friends.
YOU! YES YOU! PRINT AND SIGN THIS WAIVER
(AT THE "WAVER" BELOW) AND BRING IT.
(AT THE "WAVER" BELOW) AND BRING IT.
Oh, and there is the subject of the Pre-race Pasta Feed...
Stumpy has retired from teaching and race directing. Since he has nothing better to do, he has decided to host another spectacular Marathon Eve Pasta Dinner. This sumptuous meal will feature 100% inorganic, free range, gluten-laden, high-fructose stuff, if Stumpy cooks. Yummm! Fortunately for you, Mrs. Stumpy always steps in, tosses out the mess, and whips up a nourishing meal that will please your palate and keep you regular. If you are REALLY lucky, Stumpy’s daughter-in-law, a professional sous chef extraordinaire will contribute something especially tasty (although less likely to keep the colonoscopist happy).
BUT YOU AREN'T INVITED IF YOU DON'T RSVP STUMPY THE WEEK BEFORE THE RACE! NO RSVP? NO FOOD!
Here is a typical TrailDawg who unfortunately forgot the necessary paperwork before beginning the race and had to eat fast food instead of the pasta dinner!
Local Accommodations (as of August, 2002, Ha Ha!):
Best Western Delaware Inn 260 Chapman Road (I-95&273) Newark (302) 738-3400 1-800-780-7234 reservations
Red Roof Inn 415 Stanton-Christiana Road (I-95&7N) Newark (302) 292-2870 1-800-THE ROOF reservations
Fairfield Inn Newark/Christiana 65 Geoffrey Drive Newark (302) 292-1500 1-800-228-2800 reservations
Courtyard Suites by Marriott 48 Geoffrey Drive Newark (302) 456-3800 1-800-321-2211 reservations
Comfort Suites 56 Old Baltimore Pike Newark (302) 266-6600 1-800-228-5150 reservations
McIntosh Inn of Newark I-95 & Route 273 Newark (302) 453-9100 1-800-444-APPLE reservations
Embassy Suites 654 S. College Avenue Newark (302) 368-1000 1-800-EMBASSY reservations
Comfort Inn 1120 S College Avenue Newark (302) 368-8715 1-800-441-7564 reservations
Christiana Hilton Inn 100 Continental Drive Newark (302) 454-1500 1-800-HILTONS reservations
Sleep Inn 630 S. College Avenue Newark (302) 453-1700 1-800-SLEEP INN reservations
Howard Johnson Hotel & Suites 1119 South College Ave. (896&I-95) Newark (302) 368-8521 1-800-I GO HOJO reservations
Be aware that several of these motels/hotels/inns may no longer exist. Things change in 15 years. We don’t even know why Stumpy included this list, yet again, in this document. They have this new thing now called the interweb or some such. Use it. If you call any of us, that is what we will do while you wait endlessly. And then we will put you up at Ed’s Beds (hourly rates!) just to teach you a lesson.